I have only 5 minutes left...

Taking a break for some random thoughts.. I have only 5 minutes.

I am complicated. I am confused and i cant stop going over the things in my head from the last 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks, the last 5 months or even the last 5 years.  It's Tuesday and i feel good - but pressured.Tomorrow is an unknown - busy, crazy, loaded with work- who knows!  After tomorrow I have a day off that is already spent with appointments and to do lists. It's a never ending cycle - Life is complicated that way. so why stress it right? 

Friday is payday and i think of how I want to spend and treat myself, do for my family, spoil my kids, and just take a long hot bath with new bubble bath. I'm always wishing i was somewhere else than where i am doing anything else than what im doing so I can never relax in the bath either. I am spoiled with so much and yet I can't stop wanting to do more, see more, feel more and well just wanting more. I have these plans you see for every instance of time i might have to squeeze in one more task, detail, check my steps again and think of what i can accomplish in 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 months etc..... so I can't sit still.

My thoughts are so fast and fleeting that my body can barely keep up with my own purpose. I think I have a few purposes yet to be fulfilled like really meaningful ones with the kids, my husband, my family and my universe of if's and's and can's.

I cant stay still but want to do something restful. That's the catch. What can i do that is purposeful in the time i have. why i am always thinking of the time i have left is sometimes a mystery even to me. I've been through so much and I'm always stronger for it so why do i feel like im running out of time you might say. 

there is so much i can just fester about, dwell on and just put up a fuss about. I really just want to live in the moment but plan it all out. So of course those two courses of action does not go together which leads me to my current dilemma. 

I have no idea if I'm happy or delirious.  

I feel loved, appreciated, pleasure, calm, somewhat successful, balanced and yet I cannot tell if my restlessness means that i am not happy. I feel out of control tired all the time like I am terminally ill and just have to live through the pain for a while longer. I feel like tearing away sometimes screaming and then wildly trying everything I never tried, doing all the things I've never done and seeing the places i've never been. The next feeling sets in and i am complacent, settled and just enjoying where i am at thinking i have all the time in the world. Does that mean I'm off my rocker? I should be happy right? I'm at war with myself. I know no one can make me happy that i have to do that myself but how is it that people you love have the power to make you unhappy sometimes. What am i getting at> I really want to spend the time i have left happy with where i am; with what i have in the time i have left with my kids husband and family. I think i'm not making sense. So, after all that I'm at this crossroads where I can try to plan out my next steps in life how i used to, live in the moment, become the schedule i keep or just plan and never do. 

I never just take a break and i need one. Just a second to think or try not to think ..... oh look at that I just did. That makes me ...... happy. Maybe everyone just needs to take a second to think about doing nothing and then accomplish everything. 

I can think and type for 5 minutes, learn something new in 5 hours, visit somewhere new in 5 days, plan to go out of my mind doing something unplanned in 5 months and just be where i am in 5 years. After all this can i feel happy? Can i feel rested? Laying it all out like this makes me feel complete and now my break is over. Ha! 5 min's to a better confused, tired, thoughtful and more complicated me.